Friday, February 11th

Cock-A-Doodle-Sushi
6/6:30 PM | Cafe Asia (Rosslyn)

It's time for some cock, no? Well, you're in luck -- 2005 is the year of the Rooster. Technically, it's the year of the Wood Rooster. According to Chinese astrology, the year is supposed to teach us lessons of order, scrutiny and strategic planning, so let's ORDER some half-price sushi, SCRUTINIZE each other's sake intake, and PLAN on giving that cock a friendly TEAM*JESS welcome. Happy ending optional.

Saturday, March 12th

No Hockey, You Hoser
8:00 PM | DC Dan's (Capitol Hill)

With the NHL season cancelled, our Canadian-bred membership (i.e. Ted) is left bored and lonely. Thus, we'll placate the hoser with a viewing of the critically-acclaimed documentary about the trials and tribulations of Canadian life, Strange Brew. And since Minnesota is basically Canada without the inferiority complex, we'll follow up the Brew with Fargo. What d'ya think about that, 'eh?

Thursday, March 24th

The Draft/Draught
6:30 PM | The Brickskeller

None other than the first-born brother of TEAM*JESS is coming all the way from MN to DC to gather intelligence for the subversive TEAM*JOSH revolution Please join the allied forces as we attempt to thwart his axis of evil. After all, what's a draft without a draught? Beer list.

Anytime April 17th-30th

Nothin's Sweeter than Helpin' Schlueter
Whenever | Past & Future TEAM HDQTRS

Although our TEAM Captain was the WWF Female Cage Match Champion back in the 80s, she and Hollywood Hogan have since retired, and admittedly, the steroids have worn off. So, she's gonna need some help from some muscle-bound chumps. Help me move and earn a star -- Yes, that's a bribe.

Saturday, May 21st

Housewarming
7:30 PM | New TEAM HDQTRS

Our big-bucks TEAM Captain bought a frickin' condo. Stay tuned to your snail mailboxes for details. Btw, for obvious reasons, we will not be displaying any photos of this (un)forgettable night.

Friday, June 17th

Pou íne to apohoritírio?
6:00 PM | Cap Lounge

Welcome the return of our TEAM Captain from her 2-week Greek Island hopping excursion. Yes, Waterboy, there will be plenty of topless photos. Stop supplying me with infrared film and 5x zoom lenses.

Sunday, July 31st

The Vermonster Blitzkrieg
7:30 PM | Ben & Jerry's Capitol Hill

It's the TEAM vs. 20 scoops of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, hot fudge, a banana, cookies, brownies, and toppings galore. Let's show this bucket who's boss. Bring bibs, sweatbands, and a battalion of lactose-tolerant buddies. It's gonna get gruesome.

View Pictures from the Attack

Saturday, August 6th

Cadaver Dance Party I ('cuz there could be more)
9:00 PM | TEAM HDQTRS

Our hero is getting a new ankle. Thus, she plans on getting as much use as possible out of her existing gimpy ankle until her new bone arrives. Join her as she dances out what's left of her joint and cartilage. Sorry, no bonus stars will be awarded for hunting down and harvesting humans with flexible, sturdy, virile ankles.

Event will be catered by the Official TEAM*JESS Pastry Chef, Sarah Cohn. She's a pro.

Sunday, August 21st

Demolition Derby
7:30 PM | McLeod County Fair (Hutchinson, MN)

This is the ultimate TEAM*JESS event. It involves mud, grease, heavy metal and total domination. Pretty much TEAM*JESS materialized. We're sponsoring a derby car this year, and we need your help paintin', smashin', and head bangin'. MetallicA t-shirt highly recommended.

The TEAM captain will rent an RV for the road trip if enough members prove their dedication. National chapter members hitchhiking along I-94 will be picked up.

Don't be a pansy. Sign up now.

Saturday, September 24th

Smorgasbord
9:00 PM | TEAM HDQTRS

It's a frickin' party platter. We've got all sorts of stuff to celebrate -- New jobs, birthdays, being a homo, not being a homo, competitive baristas, speed daters, knockin' up your wife, Gilligan -- Take your pick. Better yet, sample a bit of everything. It's a smorgasbord for god's sake.

Saturday, October 22nd

Schluetertoberfest
6:00 PM | DC Dan's (that's cool, right Dan?)

Back by popular demand -- Schluetertoberfest -- our favorite TEAM*JESS tradition. Feiern wir unsere Deutsche Erbschaft! Essen wir Bratwürst mit Kraut, Kartoffelsalat, Apfelstrudel und (natürlich) trinken wir leckeres Bier! Zicke, zacke, zicke, zacke, hoi, hoi, hoi!

View Pictures from the Event

Outta Commission

Gimpy McGee
December 2005-February 2006

On December 1st, our TEAM Captain got naked and reunited with Dr. Paul S. Cooper (orthopedic surgeon, hero, and heartthrob). With romantic tunes like the Black Eyed Peas "Let's Get Retarded" playing in the background, Coops amputated our TEAM Captain's gimpy ankle and replaced it with "Freddie," the cadaver ankle.

Learn more about the surgery here
Watch a short video clip of a similar procedure

Freddie is a little shy and is currently suffering from a bit of a sexual identity crisis, but he's really excited to meet you all. So please, drop by the TEAM HDQTRS, bring the TEAM Captain food, do her laundry, massage her deeply, and give our newest team member a grand 'ol TEAM*JESS welcome while you're at it.

Warning: Freddie was an ultimate power ninja in his former life. The TEAM Captain takes no responsibility for Freddie TOTALLY FLIPPING OUT or chopping off your head or kicking your dog in the nuts. Prepare yourself for a pants-crapping.