TEAM*JESS is an elite social club that revolves around none other
than our hero, Jess and Friends ‘o Jess. Membership is free
and voluntary. TEAM*JESS-sponsored events are held throughout the
year in the Washington, DC metro area. Inspired by the shit that
was 2003, TEAM*JESS was created to foster new friendships, promote
fun-filled festivities, and to encourage the incessant adoration
of and devotion to Jess.
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1) Only the Team Captain can designate TEAM*JESS-sponsored events.
2) In order to receive an accredited star for an event, you must
be in attendance for at least one (1) hour.
3) Attend five (5) consecutive TEAM*JESS-sponsored events and you
will receive a Slightly Superb Secret Prize in addition to receiving
the designation of “First String Player.”
4) Attend ten (10) TEAM*JESS-sponsored events and you will receive
a Super Sensational Secret Prize in addition to receiving the
designation of “All-Star Playa” in the TEAM*JESS Hall of Fame.
5) Maiming, dismembering, and/or sacrificing fellow TEAM*JESS
competitors to The Lord is strictly forbidden. Bribing, flattering,
and/or showering gifts upon the Team Captain is highly encouraged.
Please Note: The Team Captain can award bonus half stars at her whim for said bribes, flattery, and/or gifts.
1) How do I become an official member of TEAM*JESS?
Becoming an official member of TEAM*JESS is simple. Just show up for an event or send the Team Captain an
to be listed on the roster. Download an Official Member card in the meantime [PDF]. You will not be eligible for the Super Sensational Secret Prize if you are not an official member.
2) I don’t live in the Washington, DC area. Can I still
be a member of TEAM*JESS?
Of course you can. In fact, if you travel from out of state to
a TEAM*JESS-sponsored event, you automatically receive ten (10)
stars! And that means you get the Super Sensational Secret Prize
immediately!
3) I have an idea for a TEAM*JESS-sponsored event. Can I contact
the Team Captain with my suggestion?
Please do. And the Team Captain may even have a special treat for you.
4) Can I bring buddies to TEAM*JESS-sponsored events?
Certainly. They can even become TEAM*JESS members themselves.
5) The Water Boy keeps ordering me drinks and smacking my ass.
Can you get him to stop?
No.
"In my professional Copywriter with his own office at a big-time
New York ad agency opinion, www.teamjess.com
is without a doubt one of the sweetest, funniest sites I have seen in a long while.
What a great idea, an even better design, and an absolutely perfect logo."
- Charlie Veprek
"TEAM*JESS is more than an elite social club. TEAM*JESS is a way of life." - Little Crow
"I laughed my ass off, literally, I don't have an ass anymore, and all thanks to the Jessy Schlueter Fan Club." - Chelle "No Ass" Robinson
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